World Suicide Prevention Day, September 10, 2018

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. Face it: whether or not we want to admit it, we all know someone who has considered, or even attempted, suicide.

This year I have been walking...sludging...through a very dark place. I'm not sure how many people even know just how much I've been struggling. I posted more than once on Facebook that I feel like I am spread-eagle over this deep, dark pit, and am slowly losing my grip on the edge and am about to plunge in to that deep, dark pit.

On July 2, I posted this graphic on Instagram and Facebook. Only 2 people responded on Facebook, and 1 on Instagram.

Responder 1: Reading, writing, walking, your children, whooping cranes, hummingbirds, church, correct grammar, photography....hmm did I miss something?

Responder 2: Panera...mmmmm

Responder 3: Favorite activities? Walking. Blogging. Passions. Family. Homeschool.

Only responder 1 knows me in-real-life; the other two are internet friends. But I was surprised that so few ventured responses. None of my children responded, nor did those who I thought were my closest friends.

These lists are mostly accurate. My list, under normal circumstances:

• My children!
• Homeschooling
• Photography
• Reading
• Writing/blogging
• Whooping Cranes/hummingbirds/birding
• Nature
• Sewing
• Rubberstamping/card making
• Breastfeeding

I do walk nearly every day, not necessarily because it's a passion nor a favorite activity. In one of my earlier posts on this blog, I gave one of the reasons I began walking. Another reason I have been walking is there is a history of heart disease from my dad's side of the family. I know that increases the possibility of my having a heart attack. In fact, I was told last fall that it appears I have already had a very mild heart attack sometime in the past.

This year, up until maybe a couple months ago, I wasn't finding any pleasure, even in the things I am passionate about!  I was having to really force myself to walk each day. Then I began skipping days of walking. I even felt like I was having to force myself to breathe. 

I felt like I was trudging uphill, in the dark. I had to force myself to place one foot in front of the other. I didn't even want to take photos, and I barely noticed the birds, or flowers. And I certainly didn't want to be at church. It was a real struggle to work on schoolwork with my youngest. And I started telling myself, I need to hang on for at least two more years, till my youngest turns 18...

What triggered all this blackness? I don't know, at least not all of it. But I do know of a few triggers.

1. My middle son turned 18 last December, and left the day before my birthday, to live with my younger brother and attend college about 1,000 miles away.
2. A few weeks later my oldest son moved out, which I didn't really mind that; I expected that. At least he isn't far away! But I don't know his address; I've never been to his apartment! At least I can see him at church occasionally.
3. The vehicle we were driving didn't have AC; and the windows could not be opened or closed. When the temperatures got too warm, I couldn't even go to church anymore, which gave me a lot of home-alone time. And no one came by to visit me.

One Sabbath (July 2), I was watching a program online on the Hope Channel, from the Speak Up series: Depression and Spirituality.

A couple things that really stood out for me were: the lady who suffered depression had friends or family who would actually come to her and take her out of her house to go somewhere and do something. People would also cook meals for her. And most importantly, they would pray for her and with her. 

I had been told by someone at church that I always looked angry. Angry? No. I was sad (I missed my middle son so much, I ached to the depths of my being); I was lonely and hurt; I was in one of the deepest, darkest states of depression of my life.

I was feeling like a total failure: as a wife; as a daughter and sister; as a friend; as a mom; in absolutely everything. And on top of that, apparently I couldn't even "wear" depression correctly! I felt like I was just a burden to everyone, and that everyone would be better off without me.

My middle son was going through a hard place himself. And I couldn't be there to be with him. I felt so helpless! And I felt guilty for not being there for him.

Then something horrendous happened to my daughter. I wasn't there to protect her from that. I failed her. 

From the moment I knew I was pregnant with my oldest son, it became my "job" to do whatever I had to to protect my children. I have learned just how badly I've done that job.

I have a friend who shares an inspirational quote nearly every day. One day in July she shared this one:

"No one ever trusted God in vain. He will never disappoint those who put their trust in Him." ~E.G. White

When I read that, I screamed inside: Where was God when that horrible thing happened to my child?! Or when this horrendous thing happened to my other child?  

I am still wondering. I am still struggling. I am still trudging uphill. And I still feel like I am on the edge of that deep, dark pit. 

A couple months or so ago, my middle son told me of some supplements his doctor has recommended he take. One of them is S-adenosyl-L-methionine (SAMe). I'll admit, I went right out and got some for myself, and began taking it. I don't know if it can totally be attributed to that, but at least now I am enjoying seeing and hearing the birds again; I've been enchanted with the butterflies this season...and I've begun to actually enjoy photographing again! Walking daily is still a struggle; and some days I skip taking a walk even.

We are now driving a vehicle that has AC, and properly-working windows, so I am able to attend church again. 

I admit, I am still wondering where God is in all of this. Why doesn't He hear me? Why even bother praying? Is there anyone praying for me? Why won't someone come along side me, and pray with me? Is there no one who has time to do that even?

My soul craves those prayers, words of encouragement, notes of encouragement, someone to talk to, someone beside me...even if we just sit together in silence.

If you are willing to pray for me, please pray now that I will be able to begin praying again myself. That I will be able to trust Him again. That I will be able to truly feel His arms around me.

Thank you.

~Sincerely, Wendy